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I am bottled fizzy water

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UpKeep of the Memories. [Aug. 28th, 2007|06:01 pm]
I am bottled fizzy water
Ive just got back from reading! wooooooooooo, i had borrowed a pair of my friends dungarees for the festival and i totally wrecked them, they are ripped up the back all the way to the knee, and some buttons came off, but she wont mind, im going to 'mend' them creativly.

Reading came with good points and bad points, good points were that i got to see so many awesome bands such as lost prophets, ash, new found glory, chilis!, smashing pumkpins, jimmy eat world, gogol bordello, maximo park, arcade fire, fall out boy andddd nine inch nails. There were loads more but i cant remember and ive lost some of the pages of my laminate thingy. The weekend was glorious, so damn hot, the heat was a bad point tho, i kept passing out, i fell asleep in front of one of the screens and my mate tom found me and covered me in his t-shirt so i didnt burn, and i didnt notice, i woke up about half an hour later in such a shock because the world had got darker and hotter all of a sudden. Bad point number 2 was the steve and i had a silly argument in the middle of the chilis set which made me cry, but we made up really quickly and everythings still good, he's back at work now after having 3 weeks off to i have to get used to him being away during the week again. it was his birthday yesterday, i did a very sneaky thing for him, i told him 'for your birthday i have stolen something of yours' and gave him 20 questions to work out what it was, it was his ring that we got at download, i have one too and i got them engraved with a message in welsh, it was all very cheesy, i think he appreciated tho, ftw!

bye for now

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(no subject) [Jul. 11th, 2007|12:21 am]
I am bottled fizzy water
On a lighter note than my last post i have been having more fun this week.

On Monday Ben held a spin off roelplay game from our regular game where we played humans in Mechs (big beasty robotness, think those badass machines the people in zion have in the matrix) and we were up against an army that our normal characters had released in our usual game, dragons! dragons with infantry and cannons i would like to add... well anyway we weren't expected to win this battle, but we did! all thanks to ours awesomely powerful mechs, mine had 2 cannons for arms and i caused 36 (!) damage to the biggest dragon and saved the day (everyone else helped... a bit...) it was sooo much fun!

Today was also fun, i was working and expecting to have a comfy night in building the unseen university infront of the tv, instead i remembered that id promised ben id go to aikido with him, so i had to go out and buy jogging bottoms and bits and bobs for that, i was so petrified that i almost didnt go, but it was so much fun and i didnt suck majorly, well i think the guy, andy, was being nice but i didnt get broken or laughed at which was nice, im glad i joined now instead of with the freshers because that means come september i have an edge on them, therefore i win the not being so sucky game, and i actually remember stuff from the session, ben made me throw him before he'd let me go to bed and i could, i do ache quite alot, but thats a good sign, i may grow muscles! or at least become slightly more fit.

Oh that reminds me, me and richmond have started making a hundred list of things to do before we die, i may have mentionned it... cant remember, so if anyone has any ideas? im stuck at about 35, not very good, im going to add "become better at aikido than ben" aikido is a double on my list so far i think because i added "learn a martial art".

Today (its past midnight) is mine and steve's 2 months anniversary! i dont think ive everf celebrated an anniversary before, with me and alex i probably didnt notice the date, time, dimension... or anything really, so im not quite sure about the length of that, hmmm maybe my lj post can help with that..., but anyway, 2 months now, woot, tis indeed annoying that he's away for it, it sucks ass, but the weekend after next im going to go stay with him in portsmouth instead of him coming back to aber because he has an exam soon, but bonus-wise i get to see my sister who has conveniently moved to portsmouth a couple of weeks ago, handy eh?

Anyhoo, i be sleepy now, nighty night,
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(no subject) [Jul. 9th, 2007|01:04 am]
I am bottled fizzy water
Its been almost a month [edit: longer, this is a saved draft because i didnt have time to finish] since my last post and i have much to update, hmm some sort of ordering system is needed...
1)The return of Gems
3)The House

1) The build up to last damn pirate night was awful and intense causing everyone involved's mood to be shockingly shit, especially steve's, Gemma was as expected completely awful and i was thankful of my ability to become ignorant and vacant at will because i managed to block alot of it out without having to get to seriously drunk.

2) Downloooooad, id never been to a festival before, and as my music tastes go its quite strange that i chose a rock festival as my first. But i got the ticket half price and it was an excuse to go away with steve and fran for a weekend. Fran and I got the train to telford so we could get picked up on the way instead of steve having to drive all the way to aberystwyth, i made us get off at wellington cuz i thought it was telford which was embarrassing, we had to run to get back on the train. It took us ages to get set up once we'd got there, the bags were so heavy and we had to walk miles to get to a tent spot, we found a place right on the corner of a field (red 1) so we got to meet so many people walking by, many friends were made. The first night we got incredibly trashed, steve had brought over 50 cans of various things plus a bottle of rum, a bottle of vodka and a bottle of cointreau (which is amazing mixed with lucozade, we snuck alcohol into the arena because the bars in there were so expensive, we had to be creative) and that night i got introduced to hairy Bob, (called hairy bob because hairy simon made him sound like a paedophile) who had 8 scrotum piercings and showed me a video of him nailing him own penis to a table.... *shudders*, fran met up with and old friend and went of and got high and jiggy with him (sorry fran, hope you dont mind me telling stuff about you on here) so at some point steve and i returned to our tent and entertained our neighbours by bouncing the tent suggestively, not that we noticed, or cared. Next day - Friday was the first day of artists, we saw velvet revolver, hayseed dixie, we saw my chemical romance get bottled which was hilarious. That day we were in fancy dress, steve wore a tuxedo and fran and i were in ball gowns, steve and i bought silver bands and pretended to be on our honeymoon and got money off stuff! we wore the bands for the rest of the festival even though we stopped with the fancy dress. Saturday we saw, ah i cant remember, they all blend into one and i cant differentiate between the days, erm i think, we saw aiden, bowling for soup!, 30 seconds to mars, marilyn manson and linkin park.

OK, thats where the draft finished and seeing as though i had started writing this god knows how long ago i have completely lost the thread, so im thinking about freestyling from here on out. Download was so long ago now that the images and feelings have blurred into "it was so awesome" which is the phrase i use for most things i enjoy at any level. Oh except Reel Big Fish, basically i remember "best moment of my life!", so what was next?...

...Oh dear, the house... ok prepare thyself for i am about to RANT!

My house that I share with Carmelle (yay!) is almost feeling homely now, by this i mean i have come to accept that this is where i live/reside/keep all my stuff, but there is so much wrong with it that no merits seem to help. For instance i worked out to work the heating system and i washed my carpet so it no longer smells like shit, however, for starters my carpet used to smell like shit, approx half the implements (i like the word even though its probably inappropriate here) dont work: -half the lights, -the oven, -back door is quite broken, -despite how many hours we (by we i mostly mean carmelle) have cleaned it stills feels dirty. So the occasional good thing that happens in the house such as something good comes on tv or someone i like visits (so not really the house's good achievements here) the continuingly increasing bad points overshadow the good. Major recent bad point number 1: Someone got stabbed in the neck right outside carmelle's window, i wasn't home but she heard the whole thing, it was an argument of sorts which ended badly to put it nicely, not much more to say about that it speaks for itself. Recent bad point number 2: After hearing the stabbing story from carmelle earlier today i returned home by myself, thankfully my paranoia caused me to lock the front and back doors, handy because a little while later at about midnight i reckon someone tried to break in, they tried the front door, locked-sturdy-they gave up, so... round the alley to the back door, no fence to the garden (well patch of concrete out back) because the fence is leaned up against the wall completely torn off its hinges, leading to the back door, locked to be sure however this door has obviously been tried, perhaps even successfully before because the frame is shot, the door is so fragile i could break the damn thing down, so when i was sitting in the living room in sight of the back door hearing the handle rattling and then hearing someone pound their weight into it trying to force it open i was fucking terrified, i had a stanley knife in my hand because i was cutting things out so i was just sitting there, clutching the knife thinking "this fucking shit house! Aah!" i was really scared, all alone and also i knew most of the people who i would call to rescue me were either very far away (portsmouth) or i had already tried calling that evening because id wanted to ask them something and i hadnt been able to reach them. Im usually jumpy when it comes to household safety type stuff, i could never live alone because i over-imagine things and i often drink strangly heavily if i know im going to be alone for a whole evening/night, not good, this is one of the reasons i get annoyed when people try to get me drunk or set the objective for the evening as 'to get as hammered as possible'. Because i value strength and self discipline quite highly, especially when i find it in myself, i feel like ive tried so hard to stop with this ridiculous lack of control and motivation to do anything that the fact that ive stopped doing drugs, smoking, and drinking 'as' much is a big deal, im proud of this and then people act like morons and complain if i dont continue trying to abuse my body thoroughly that it makes me think "whats the point?" why the fuck shouldnt i then if no one seems to care whether or not i destroy myself, hell i should get right back on the class a's and live the 'high' life! hell ill be alot more entertaining and the stories of the shit i say and do can continue to embarrass me for years to come, id love that wouldnt i? because i have the strong sort of personality where things like self-esteem, security and confidence arent issues at all, in fact i have often been described as the most stable person people know, i suppose in some ways thats true but im not invincible, im sitting here dead-locked in my room because ive been completely freaked out by this evening, my paranoia is expanding exponentially and my nationwide renowned optimism is fucked, i was talking to lez about stuff and he reassured me by saying "dont worry, steve will be home soon" to which i pointed out that this night is the furthest away from when i will next see him again, to which he replied "Well you can take happiness in knowing that your wait cannot be any possibly longer", this point of view is exactly the sort of thing i would say, almost unbearably cheerful and optimistic, but you know what? fuck it, that sort of optimism is just ignorant and dumb and im upset that i have to go 5 days before i can see steve again, knowing he's pissed off with his job and annoyed for having to be away so much, i can feel the strain, he's stressed so when we talk he's more argumentative and that sets me on edge and i retort equally snippily and im having enough difficulty at the moment with my quietness, soemtimes i can be so quiet and almost vacant because my insecurity has increased loads, that sometimes i cannot speak, i can only say really redundant things because i dont want to suggest anything or allow any insight into my terrified mind. I feel so inadequate all the time and because ive had such a strong personality over this past year basically because ive not really had anything to lose people treat me according to this strong brush-off personaility, like i can take being mocked and ridiculed for my ridiculousness and dumbness, im the dumb young blonde, well now im actually trying and now im being criticized for my change of behaviour, but still im treated like a child, like a joke.

There were other things in my bullet points i was supposed to talk about but i really dont feel like it now, i have to sleep and then carry on tomorrow as though im ok, which i will be by then.
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(no subject) [Jun. 24th, 2007|07:43 pm]
I am bottled fizzy water
Can i make a request for alice's party? or at least some get-together?

Because...this thursday - sunday i shall be home for the first and only time for like Ever! soooo.... can we meet please?
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(no subject) [Jun. 5th, 2007|05:23 pm]
I am bottled fizzy water
Edgaaaar! and marie, and anyone else who cares...

Dresden Dolls vs. Panic! at the DiscoCollapse )
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(no subject) [May. 26th, 2007|12:48 am]
I am bottled fizzy water
... i said i would continue listing my insecurities but i think i may have gone through all i want to for the time being

all my exams are over now, i had my last one this morning, and it was definatly the shittest if ever done, id revised badly, whats more id revising 2/3rds of the content badly, i was amazing i managed to write as much as i did, i still left an hour before the end, but i really didnt care, i woke up 5 minutes before going to the exam, luckily i had fallen asleep in some trousers and i had a top handy which didnt need a bra so all i had to do was stumble down to campus and analyse the complexities of ancient greek literature, mythology and philosophy... i think i passed.

after the exam i went to library to return books and pay off my fine, my upsettingly huge fine of 25 quid! hmmm, but to make up for that i went and collected a hundred and twenty pounds worth of back-dated wages, wootness! i have too much cash now, having cash makes me generous, i offered to buy steve dinner sometime soon when usually i sponge off him because he's all monnied, but its nice to return the favour. After wage collecting fran and i went to hang out with rich who i reckon we've got quite close with over htese past few weeks/months/year, and we went to the honey farm because ive wanted to go for ages to buy my mama some mead (v.late bday prezzie), i got lots of mead and honey fudge! but i dont know how much will make it to my mother... hurhur, its tasty stuff, i got a new flavour, blackberry! nyarm nyarm. Later we got back, steve got home and came over to rich's before we headed off to the cinema for pirates of the carribean 3!!! i had bought 9 tickets in advance for people becuase im ever so kind, lolz. Seeing steve again was really good, especially after he was so down last weekend, its nice to see him cheerful again, and because he away during the week we tend to bottle up a lot of energy and each week homecoming can be quite epic. I dont mean that in a crude way (sometimes i do mean it in a crude way) what i do mean is that the time i spend with him seems really intense and sometimes it can almost literally knock me off my feet, there's no way for me to describe how i feel any further unless i could somehow relay it in 'tingle'-form, you know what i mean.

Despite the intensity of my happiness with him atm i still doubt, i am terrified of the upcoming week and especially next weekend. i doubt how i will act and handle situations (tact and delicacy are not things i am renowned for), i will also be slightly depressed because of the end of an era-ness seeing as though im moving house and basically life-styles at the beginning of june, the summer will be occupied but so different, ive talked about that... but back to next friday, i barely want to talk about it, i feel as though all ive worked to achieve is about to come crashing down around me, and it doesnt matter how many people support and try to help out, i know its going to go badly, how could it not? and im running out of strength, a week left of ignorant bliss, hopefully.

good night folks
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(no subject) [May. 24th, 2007|10:43 pm]
I am bottled fizzy water
As you may have noticed i treat these lj posts as an address to you guys back home in suffolk/essex, ibers as i affentionatly remember you, so this will make more sense if you treat this post as a lament for home (and for you, you being my 'home' friends)

i am, as you prob know, staying in aberystwyth for the summer because a) my folks are moving house and it would be difficult having me there, b) i have a job in aber now which specified being available over summer (yes i did apply for this reason, cuz i knew i would be staying) and c) i like it here, steve is here, being over 300 miles away for 3 months would be difficult (there's more to mention on that note... ill get to it later) i would say 'most' of my friends are here, but id say its half and half, maybe more non-aber friends including you guys, definatly in respects to closeness. So therefore im bloody sad to be missing 'like old times' fun in going to colchester, to castle park, summeryness, all that jazz... i am going to be back for alice's suggested party conveniently because my sisters graduation is around then and i will get a lift from surrey back home afterwards and stay for a few days, because i am terribly homesick. At the end of each semester you get the rush of returning home, everyone at uni gets it the same because everyone is going home and as first years its still important to have that strength of connection. So like everyone else ive enjoying the anticipation of a homecoming at xmas, and easter, now its summer, the big homecoming, the first year is ending (last exam tomorrow!) and we are due to return home for the summer, many people will return to old jobs or get new jobs in their home town, see old friends, live back with the folks, miss the independence of uni life and the manicness of it all. But i dont get that, i have to stay, whats more is im moving into our privately rented house with 2 people i havent seen more than once a week in too long (i miss you, meg and carmelle, it shall be strange/cool living together again, sorry im messy) and life will be so different, no uni to connect me with aberystwyth, only my job and aquaintances. I fear complete isolation and inactivity, although it will be nice to get in touch with myself as i have been doing over this revision period, ive reverted to my less manic self no that my year i have alotted to 'maxing out' is over, no more major drugs, no smoking (that been over for a while), less drinking, and less embarrassingness on my part i hope, im fed up with being the fool and acting like i do, i want people to start taking me seriously instead of a joke. One thing that resounds in my mind is someone i know telling me 'its refreshing to meet a real fresher, someone who is entirely incompetent at life'. That has stuck with me and fed my insecurity. Ive been hoping to prove to people that i am not useless, i have a job now (great, a minimum wage job at a bakery where i have to dress like a chav (white baseball cap) and serve cakes to overweight people and screaming kids, lovely, mature dont you think?), i have been trying to overcome my fears and become more involved in activities, i try to go swimming every week (i have only managed 1 week so far) im involved in larp (two different kinds), and roleplay (two different kinds) i make an effort in uni work, essays, revision, im enthusiastic, i enjoy what i study, what i do. Does it make a difference? no, i feel so useless i sometimes dont understand why others can stand to be around me, why they let me spout the shit that comes out my mouth, why dont they just tell me to fuck right off and leave them be? why do i have such good friends who make the effort to hang out with me and make sure im ok?

tbh i have no idea, why anyone would care about me, id like to think i deserve it because of the effort i put in, the strength of my emotion, compassion and tenacity by which i live.

I feel superfluous, like a temporary fixture, an object in a rented house, sometimes pleasing, amusing, but it will stay while you move onto something better next season.

I shall probably continue listing my insecurities another time, the list of fears continues, like the chronicles of chrissie's psychosis, obvious on the outside, only just being noticed on the inside

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(no subject) [May. 8th, 2007|12:38 pm]
I am bottled fizzy water
Well i had an overall good weekend the only downside is the fact that the first person i met in aberystwyth and one of my formerly closest friends is a cruel cunt (nathan), but his pissiness makes me not give a fuck so i shant talk further about that bumhole...

hmmm what did i do...? well on friday steve came home from port-land and a little group of us went and watched the sunset at the top on consti (a fuck-off big hill) but it wasnt a very good one, cant always be lucky, then we went to rosser bar for a little drinky but steve and i didnt stay long (to the annoyance of the ppl we went with because we'd been planning to go to rosser, but they'd have been more annoyed if we had stayed cuz we'd have been all smoochy which i tend not to do in public much but it could not be helped) so we skaddadled off the llanbadarn and upon arriving back at his house ben was holding a second version of the role-play game that im in on sundays, i was a litte upset that im no longer as special cuz dale has my special power (firestarter) it no longer feels special...not that i stayed and watched, there were other matters to 'attend' to, involving ice cream! i wont go into further detail except to say that steve and i had a random and thoroughly embarrassing convo with tom (housemate) whilst only wearing towels.

Saturday, i did...erm oh yeh loads! i went to fran's housemate laura's birthday river paddle, we drove out to the countryside found a river and went crazy, there were loads of cute waterfalls (see facebook for pics), twas fantastic. Then later i went to the fountain as per usual and had dinner there (nyarm nyarm nyarm), it was great i love that crowd (although im upset that meg and carmelle never come down anymore, yes im talking to YOU *points at you 2*) at some point fran hobbled in, she'd been out drinking with laura and friends and had drunk something ridicluous at the cambrian called a death star (it involves 2 pints of various vodka mixages, probably illegal) so i escorted her back promising id look after her later when we met up at the bay. So later a group of us from the fountain bumbled to the bay and proceeded to get quite trashed, i drank fuck loads but i didnt get drunk, id already spent about 20 quid on alcohol and if i cant get drunk of that much i prob shouldnt try any harder (aber is cheap, 20 is alot, plus i am small!) so the evening continued with me watching fran completely off her face which upset me quite a bit because i thought we were supposed to cut down, specially her, so i made her promise not to buy anymore drinks, but then 10 minutes later she comes in with another snakebite, she didnt buy it but still! that pissed me off but i tried hard not to show it too much bcoz it would just upset her. Steve was really hammered aswell, arg, later on they both wanted to go back to fran's so we could have another threesome but i was very much not in the mood being all pissed off and so when we go to pjm i begged to be allowed to go home, which i wasnt but i did anyway leaving them 2 not really sure what to do. I got home all angry and stressed but after approx 1 minute i got a phone call from steve saying "let me in!" so i did and he stayed over at mine and my stress was somewhat relieved. I feel guilty for being a bit of an arse but they were both so far gone it was both embarrassing and upsetting on my part.

Sunday, steve answered his phone in the morning during a very inappropriate moment, grrrs, it was his mum aswell, my mind is becoming numb to being thoroughly embarrassed and/or horrified. So then he went surfing and i... did something (fuck my memory) erm, oh yeh, awesomeness, our friend rich was testing out a new static rpg based on the A-team!!!! so i took part in the player test, i played B.A. (badly) but it went pretty well, the real game with start over summer, ive already genned a character called Babette Willie who has wicked sick skillz in guns. ANyhoo, after that mr steve and i went for chinese and then...we popped in to see fran and alex and ended up watching the bg fat quiz of the year and laughing manically (tis high-larious) then back to steve's house (i was gonna say nyarm nyarm nyarm then, but i dont wanna, tis too crude haha).
I slept in for ages and had really weird dreams about fire-breathing dragon mermaid nazguls, twas scary indeed.

Monday, (crikey, i do tend to post e v e r y t h i n g dont i? ahh well its better than not posting at all), i went home and stayed home to write an essay (still unfinished) then in the evening steve, tom, alex and i went and saw spiderman 3 (WWIICCKKEEDD SSIICCKK!!!) then i returned home to write more, steve came over to say g'bye before returning to port-land, thats about it, he still hasnt asked me out, even though he said he would yest, im glad he didnt tbh because yest would have been his and gemz anniversary and i would not like that to be the day he asked me out, i think ill ask him before long, im an impatient sod :)

ok im done
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(no subject) [May. 3rd, 2007|11:09 pm]
I am bottled fizzy water

[edit: I dont remember posting this...]
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(no subject) [May. 3rd, 2007|08:19 pm]
I am bottled fizzy water
i shall update in bullet points then elaborate, k?

1. i got a job
2. deadline only hours away...
3. no more interesting tales of sexual deviance for now (dont stop reading tho...)

ok 1... one day last week, cant remember which, ohh actually it was friday because that was a pirate night, well i was wandering around town with rich (more about him later) when i saw an advert for a thursday job in the popty bakery, we went in, rich bout a cake and i was too nervous to ask about the job, luckily we bumped into bob outside and the conversation drifted to something i wasnt interested in so to fill the time i went in and asked about the job, a certain number of days later i recieve a phone call saying come down 7:55am and you can start (bloody early, ive v.v.tired) so today i worked 9 (yes NINE!) hours in an awful chavvy baseball cap and icky blue apron, i dont mind, i liked the work and i get money and activity to my usual lazy lifestyle. It was quite a tough day cuz first days always have to involve embarrassing mistakes and the like, although i caught on bloody quick and my supervisor left me by myself for about half an hour while she had a lunch break and i coped fine (probably better without her breathing down my neck). I also met Alison who also works there who is on my course and took the exact same modules as me this semester yet ive never seen her b4 in my life, we had a great time bitching about wendy (the boss). Anyway i said i say more about rich, well he has recently broken up with rose (lovely lady, ive had her) and when i was round his he was very lovely yet tried to get me into bed, which i wasnt in the mood for that particular day, i was feeling insecure for some reason, but he still managed to get my top off the cheeky bugger, anyway, fran and i promised at some point (i dunno if she'll hold to this, i know i will) to challenge rich (the satyromaniac, male form of nymphomania...) to sex until exhaustion, whoever stays conscious longest wins, although we have agreed it doesnt really matter who wins because its the journey that counts, lol, i believe thats all i wanted to add about rich..no wait! i didnt add teh sex shop bit, we went to nice and naughty (the shop i applied for a job at, no wait i wanted to apply but i didnt... nm)well we went in to check the price of rope (he's gonna tie me up kinky style) and the lady asked what we wanted the rope for? what? silly question you work in a sex shop what is the rope going to be used for my friend? madness, anyhoo, thats all i wanted to add for now bout him, moving on...

moving on to 2... im on my 2nd bottle of cider and ive yet to start my essay what is in for tomorrow 2pm... sadly my unexpected first in american lit last week has not spurred my to try harder and achieve them more often, instead im all cocky and reckon i can prob churn out something ledgible before i pass out... bugger, i was up at half 6 this morning! like im going to stay conscious for long, hurhur, impossible.

tuhree!!... oh yes, i should apologise that i have had no more threesomes or any interesting exploits of any kind this week as i was unavailable for such things this particular week, although this did allow cutsey snuggle-time for me and steve, he seemed awfully upset if i suggested he might be alone in his bed, so i allowed myself the comforts of his huuuge double bed for a couple of nights (tom and ben, his housemates are kinda used to seeing me in the mornings now) but on sunday night i couldnt stay because id have to let fran walk home by herself which would be mean and it also meant we'd have to say, sorry but chrissie is sleeping here tonight instead of me 'accidently' ending up there at the end of an evening. Our friend Lil wrote on my arm "if found please return to Dolfedw, Llanbadarn" (Steve's address) which im hoping wasnt too obviously awkward because i dont think the idea of me and steve is entirely accepted in the group yet with the splitting with gems being so recent. I know she's more popular in the group than i am, even though she's been away for months and months, because she more into the larping than i am, and cuz im an annoying n00b too> its really irritating being so young sometimes in an older group, not that they are in any way more mature, just that im new and gullible and generally incompetent as a human being (although ive being trying majorly hard recently to stop saying retarded things too loudly and i have a job and im doing well in my degree, come on, go me!) . Anyway what was i talking about, Steve oh yeh (my favorite subj) i was on the phone to him earlier and i chatted to one of his navy friend who made the supposition that i was his girlfriend, i giggled because it was recieved very humorously when i was desribed as the 'destined to be' girlfriend because he hasnt actually asked me out yet, i was thinking about what ill say when he does, i was planning to say no at first because i reckoned it to be too soon, but i dont want to say no, i want to say yes and for everything to be marvelous and lovely, but there again comes the question of whether the group will accept coupling? (ive Never got to use that word before, im sooo chuffed) and to add to things, guess what steve did last time he returned to aber from work? well ill tell you because this is a blog and you cant reply, he was planning to serenade my from my window but i saw him getting out of his car (dissappointing but id have probably been embarrassed anyway) so he just came inside and played my this finished version of the song he'd written for me (id heard in progress versions but we'd always been interrupted) fran was in the room but seeing as though we'd all been 'intimate' she was allowed to stay. The song... (steve is very proud of it because its the first thing he's managed to write in 5-beat time) anyway its about our....3rd kiss where we went for a walk down the sea-front and looked out at the black crashing waves for(almost)ever, then i had to go home because this happened when i was a decent upstanding no-bonking steve person, but i let him walk me home, we walked the random route thru a golf-course while listening to really chilled music on his ipod, anyhoo we got to the golf-course and decided to stand on top of a bunker to look at the sky which had epically bright snow-clouds (i believe i posted this event) and hence-forth we kissed (he still remembers the song that was playing at the time, arg cheesiness, i love it really) and thats it really, that what his song is about. I embarrassing started humming it during a melacholy moment the other day. He promised he'd have another go at serenading me when i wont catch him before he can surprise me, im looking forward to it, well im looking forward to running down to him and kissing him in thank you for being adorably sweet. God this post is too soppy to continue so i shall end it and try to write an essay, fuck it im way to drunk, bugger, i always thought cider was a good idea! nm

omg i missed an important part of my current 'issues', ive had several pursuers recently, naming them as Steve, Rich, Simon, id like to say cromwell because he told me he finds me attractive and if he didnt have his millionaire french gf... well yano, anyway i had this weird dream where all of these guys and a random selection of girls thrown in for good luck were pursueing me, and i had to choose, i told steve about this hoping to make him appreciate the missed opportunities ive had because of him, to be specific, simon has been persuing me quite vigorously, he has been calling me asking to see me alone for a while now, i thought there was something majorly wrong, like something awful had happened, turns out the problem is in his pants, i accidently promised him id spend the night with him last friday (i promised id see him today infact) but i was ridiucluosly drunk at the time and i have no self control as many of you know... but despite how much sleeping with simon intruiges me shall i say, i dont really want to do it, other than an interesting experience i dont imagine him much of a bomb in bed (he doesnt kiss well) but i love the guy as a cuddle bunny, and he has a cute beard, i wish he could be my friend without wanting to penetrate me because i dont want this to come between us (a prize for the misinterpretations in that last paragraph)

comment you bitches, i let it all out this post (weel not ALL) so appreciate!!!!
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