||[Jul. 9th, 2007|01:04 am]
I am bottled fizzy water
Its been almost a month [edit: longer, this is a saved draft because i didnt have time to finish] since my last post and i have much to update, hmm some sort of ordering system is needed...|
1)The return of Gems
1) The build up to last damn pirate night was awful and intense causing everyone involved's mood to be shockingly shit, especially steve's, Gemma was as expected completely awful and i was thankful of my ability to become ignorant and vacant at will because i managed to block alot of it out without having to get to seriously drunk.
2) Downloooooad, id never been to a festival before, and as my music tastes go its quite strange that i chose a rock festival as my first. But i got the ticket half price and it was an excuse to go away with steve and fran for a weekend. Fran and I got the train to telford so we could get picked up on the way instead of steve having to drive all the way to aberystwyth, i made us get off at wellington cuz i thought it was telford which was embarrassing, we had to run to get back on the train. It took us ages to get set up once we'd got there, the bags were so heavy and we had to walk miles to get to a tent spot, we found a place right on the corner of a field (red 1) so we got to meet so many people walking by, many friends were made. The first night we got incredibly trashed, steve had brought over 50 cans of various things plus a bottle of rum, a bottle of vodka and a bottle of cointreau (which is amazing mixed with lucozade, we snuck alcohol into the arena because the bars in there were so expensive, we had to be creative) and that night i got introduced to hairy Bob, (called hairy bob because hairy simon made him sound like a paedophile) who had 8 scrotum piercings and showed me a video of him nailing him own penis to a table.... *shudders*, fran met up with and old friend and went of and got high and jiggy with him (sorry fran, hope you dont mind me telling stuff about you on here) so at some point steve and i returned to our tent and entertained our neighbours by bouncing the tent suggestively, not that we noticed, or cared. Next day - Friday was the first day of artists, we saw velvet revolver, hayseed dixie, we saw my chemical romance get bottled which was hilarious. That day we were in fancy dress, steve wore a tuxedo and fran and i were in ball gowns, steve and i bought silver bands and pretended to be on our honeymoon and got money off stuff! we wore the bands for the rest of the festival even though we stopped with the fancy dress. Saturday we saw, ah i cant remember, they all blend into one and i cant differentiate between the days, erm i think, we saw aiden, bowling for soup!, 30 seconds to mars, marilyn manson and linkin park.
OK, thats where the draft finished and seeing as though i had started writing this god knows how long ago i have completely lost the thread, so im thinking about freestyling from here on out. Download was so long ago now that the images and feelings have blurred into "it was so awesome" which is the phrase i use for most things i enjoy at any level. Oh except Reel Big Fish, basically i remember "best moment of my life!", so what was next?...
...Oh dear, the house... ok prepare thyself for i am about to RANT!
My house that I share with Carmelle (yay!) is almost feeling homely now, by this i mean i have come to accept that this is where i live/reside/keep all my stuff, but there is so much wrong with it that no merits seem to help. For instance i worked out to work the heating system and i washed my carpet so it no longer smells like shit, however, for starters my carpet used to smell like shit, approx half the implements (i like the word even though its probably inappropriate here) dont work: -half the lights, -the oven, -back door is quite broken, -despite how many hours we (by we i mostly mean carmelle) have cleaned it stills feels dirty. So the occasional good thing that happens in the house such as something good comes on tv or someone i like visits (so not really the house's good achievements here) the continuingly increasing bad points overshadow the good. Major recent bad point number 1: Someone got stabbed in the neck right outside carmelle's window, i wasn't home but she heard the whole thing, it was an argument of sorts which ended badly to put it nicely, not much more to say about that it speaks for itself. Recent bad point number 2: After hearing the stabbing story from carmelle earlier today i returned home by myself, thankfully my paranoia caused me to lock the front and back doors, handy because a little while later at about midnight i reckon someone tried to break in, they tried the front door, locked-sturdy-they gave up, so... round the alley to the back door, no fence to the garden (well patch of concrete out back) because the fence is leaned up against the wall completely torn off its hinges, leading to the back door, locked to be sure however this door has obviously been tried, perhaps even successfully before because the frame is shot, the door is so fragile i could break the damn thing down, so when i was sitting in the living room in sight of the back door hearing the handle rattling and then hearing someone pound their weight into it trying to force it open i was fucking terrified, i had a stanley knife in my hand because i was cutting things out so i was just sitting there, clutching the knife thinking "this fucking shit house! Aah!" i was really scared, all alone and also i knew most of the people who i would call to rescue me were either very far away (portsmouth) or i had already tried calling that evening because id wanted to ask them something and i hadnt been able to reach them. Im usually jumpy when it comes to household safety type stuff, i could never live alone because i over-imagine things and i often drink strangly heavily if i know im going to be alone for a whole evening/night, not good, this is one of the reasons i get annoyed when people try to get me drunk or set the objective for the evening as 'to get as hammered as possible'. Because i value strength and self discipline quite highly, especially when i find it in myself, i feel like ive tried so hard to stop with this ridiculous lack of control and motivation to do anything that the fact that ive stopped doing drugs, smoking, and drinking 'as' much is a big deal, im proud of this and then people act like morons and complain if i dont continue trying to abuse my body thoroughly that it makes me think "whats the point?" why the fuck shouldnt i then if no one seems to care whether or not i destroy myself, hell i should get right back on the class a's and live the 'high' life! hell ill be alot more entertaining and the stories of the shit i say and do can continue to embarrass me for years to come, id love that wouldnt i? because i have the strong sort of personality where things like self-esteem, security and confidence arent issues at all, in fact i have often been described as the most stable person people know, i suppose in some ways thats true but im not invincible, im sitting here dead-locked in my room because ive been completely freaked out by this evening, my paranoia is expanding exponentially and my nationwide renowned optimism is fucked, i was talking to lez about stuff and he reassured me by saying "dont worry, steve will be home soon" to which i pointed out that this night is the furthest away from when i will next see him again, to which he replied "Well you can take happiness in knowing that your wait cannot be any possibly longer", this point of view is exactly the sort of thing i would say, almost unbearably cheerful and optimistic, but you know what? fuck it, that sort of optimism is just ignorant and dumb and im upset that i have to go 5 days before i can see steve again, knowing he's pissed off with his job and annoyed for having to be away so much, i can feel the strain, he's stressed so when we talk he's more argumentative and that sets me on edge and i retort equally snippily and im having enough difficulty at the moment with my quietness, soemtimes i can be so quiet and almost vacant because my insecurity has increased loads, that sometimes i cannot speak, i can only say really redundant things because i dont want to suggest anything or allow any insight into my terrified mind. I feel so inadequate all the time and because ive had such a strong personality over this past year basically because ive not really had anything to lose people treat me according to this strong brush-off personaility, like i can take being mocked and ridiculed for my ridiculousness and dumbness, im the dumb young blonde, well now im actually trying and now im being criticized for my change of behaviour, but still im treated like a child, like a joke.
There were other things in my bullet points i was supposed to talk about but i really dont feel like it now, i have to sleep and then carry on tomorrow as though im ok, which i will be by then.